5 weeks

5 weeks today.

5 weeks since I last touched you or felt your hand in mine…

5 weeks since I got to look in your eyes and feel them looking back in mine.

That sums up how I felt today. I just missed her..

simply.

totally. 

We decided to take the kids to a new pediatrician. I think it was the right choice for all of us.  We suspected Jonathan has asthma..doc agrees and we asked for allergy testing. Tony also pointed out how his mouth droops to the side sometimes when he talks. I used to be such a non-chalant mom .. I always said my job wasn’t to keep them from getting sick or hurt, but keep them from dying..

yea well..that was a fail

Now I find myself so scared.. The doc said he would order a MRI…we opted not to. I am fairly certain this new paranoid mom will request them at least once for each kid…but this wasn’t a time I really needed it. Now I will just obsessively watch him speak…

We went to happy hollow. It was supposed to be a fun outing. A way to enjoy and be grateful for our living children.

I spent a lot of the day crying or anxious.

I cried because I remembered the few times I had been there. All with Jennifer. All when she was younger…when I expected a full life with her. I cried because I saw so many big sisters taking little sisters on the rides.

…why doesn’t my Charlotte get that anymore?

Anxious..Nicholas in the stroller…me wearing Charlotte and Jonathan walking. At least 3 times I panicked pushing the stroller, looking back at Tony and Jonathan, calling out for Nicholas. I’m not sure I can even adequately explain what I think is happening for me…

It was like if for a moment I wasn’t actively thinking about her being dead..  my mind forgot. I think I autopioloted right back to making sure all 4 kids were accounted for…like a piece of me refuses to accept we only have 3 lives to care for now…somehow though some part of me knew, if I could only account for 3. .

to not look for her…

I couldn’t shake the feeling of unease….of something verging on momentary paranoia…until I realized what was happening…then sadness rolled in all over again.

We already have passes to Gilroy Gardens..one for her also. ..see we were “supposed” to have 9 months. Time enough to go back again… We talked about getting passes to Happy Hollow..but I think we both felt like it wasn’t a good fit. It wasn’t until driving home I realized it wasn’t a good fit only for her. GG has mostly rides which Jonathan doesn’t like but always happily went to watch her ride…HH has less rides and more other options…It’s like we forget what kids we are living for now.

Luckily we found out today that Nicholas likes all the rides. He went on everything! Which made Tony so happy.

I tried to enjoy today. I tried to appreciate and make it a good day. I put a lot of attention into the boys and trying to encourage them doing what they enjoyed.. more typical boy things. They did a great job sticking together and taking care of each other…The thing I have most wanted.. my kids to take care of each other always…The way Jonathan has taken on this challenge so quickly is one of her greatest legacies. ..and Nicholas is learning from him. I tried to absorb all of that, all that my mind was taking in..

I failed.

I was so hyper aware of the hole. I felt so off..like that dream where you go to school/work in your underwear…that’s how I felt all day. Uncomfortable..nervous..

.. .broken.

Nicholas was overly tired so we got in the car and drove home. Jonathan was so good all day and asked for pizza for dinner. We had some gift cards and stopped for dinner. Again those emotions of eating out came bubbling to the surface. Tonight though I just felt so much guilt.. . like I shouldn’t be enjoying these things we could never do with her.

At home we watched a recorded show. We haven’t been watching many. Honestly because a piece of me breaks when I see the shows I set to record when we got back from a Make A Wish trip..Sofia and Doc McStuffins.. shows I was meant to watch with her . .

but one week later our lives shattered once again..

to learn hers would soon be ending.

We watched a show I thought for sure was safe…it was a halloween themed one. The last time of year anything was normal…and also when everything changed. Diagnosed Oct 28th…her birthday.

There was a song in this episode that she sang all the time…I could *almost* hear her voice singing it. But I never knew where it came from or what exactly she was even saying. I never sat with her and watched it obviously.

… damnit.

But I did.. we did tonight.

I just wish she didn’t have to die for me to learn these lessons.

5 weeks since I said good bye to you.

5 weeks worth of days where I miss you more and more