beating

A month and a day ago…this was me…this was us

Because a month ago right now..I was holding her. Waiting for her to die. I didn’t blog. I think most people knew when there was no new blog a month ago today…that her time was coming… fast

…too fast.

Nursing the baby to bed tonight I remembered…a month ago doing the same thing…wanting so desperately to get back into the room with her. We were scared to move her…cause more seizures. But it really mattered to me that I held her in my arms.

Tony and I worked together…tenderly…nervously…moved her into my arms. ..

…and there my baby and I stayed until they came to take her away.

Today I have felt haunted. Haunted by the what-ifs…the never have beens…

regrets..and fears.

This is so hard on a marriage. We deal so differently..

We fell apart and came together today. New rule he cannot read this blog anymore. It was a out for him…a cheat to know what I am struggling with. But we do best together and communicating..

I write for me..I write to remember and sort my emotions out…to put some sense of order to them. And I write for other people who may be in my shoes at some point. Perhaps it will help them to hear my thoughts..my pain..Perhaps they wont feel so alone..

..so crazy.

Possibly my words can aide their friends and family…I don’t know..but its my hope.

Today outside I noticed all the blooms sprouting out of our trees. A new season is coming…one without her.

Its been almost a month. It feels like forever…like so long ago..And it feels like yesterday.

And both ways suck.

 

Time is passing. Now I can count in months …not just weeks since the last time I held you. Felt you breathe. Labored…loud raspy breathes.

The clock keeps ticking on..since I last held you. ..held you as you were growing hotter and hotter in my arms til it felt like you were on fire…not all of you though..your feet were getting slowly colder.

I’m scared of this passage of time. I am scared to be out of this intense grieving. Because it keeps me close to you. If I start to heal…then I fear I will be losing more of you.

I’m scared.

As time passes I worry about being left behind. That this sacred time I have now will be gone..

I dont want it to.

Yet…I also cannot wait for time to pass. Its going far too slowly. I just want to be old…and joining her again.

 

One of the few nights that Tony and I went out with out the kids Jennifer was missing me. So she got a shirt of mine and put it on to sleep in it. Maybe tonight I will sleep with something more of hers other than pinkie…maybe I will sleep in her room. Like I did one month ago..

Outside today I looked at the slide. She loved to be outside. So we spent a lot of time there. We did a lot because Jennifer liked it. I think we all just liked seeing her happy and followed her lead.

I looked at that slide and willed her to please come back to play on it. I tried to force her back into being. Of course it didn’t work. Everything new we do I want to find a way to bring her with us…make her a part of it. Tony and I talked today about how to do that…

 

The boys were at my parents today. Thankfully. We needed today. To struggle..pull away…pull each other apart just a bit to come together again. Thats when we made the “new blog rule”. We need to miss her our own ways…but we also remembered how very important it is for us to grieve together too. Best friends..

 

Tony got a invite to go on a quick camping /dune buggy trip..he left tonight. I am ok being here alone. Because we fought and cleared the air..and grieved together today. So tonight and tomorrow we can grieve in our own ways..Its hard to be so different. The ways I am open he is private. The ways I am closed he is open.

The important thing for us though is to talk some..trust a lot and believe in each other totally…and when we lose our way we need to yell and swear…right back to each other. I meant my promise...as I know he meant his.

A old friend…made through the trials of infertility wrote to me today. She remembered a conversation years ago…at the end of my pregnancy with Jonathan. I was so worried how I could ever love another child as much as I loved Jennifer…she likened it to my struggles now…

.. .truth.

I do worry that my unrelenting desire to join her..to be with her again…somehow means I love her more…It feels like my love for her then was so big and overwhelming that it was all of me. My sorrow over losing her is the same. It feels like every cell of my body is filled with Jennifer.

Then he was born. And they shared all of me…until Nicholas and Charlotte joined in..And they became me..Every time I was immediately re-created..

having her ripped away…I am exposed and bleeding.

This re-creation will take quite a bit longer. But they will heal me. Just like pregnant with my second…I hoped my love would cover them both..but I wasn’t totally convinced..This time I am just trying to have faith that I will scab and scar up..that her memories will be enough to sustain..And my body will settle into its new form..

.. .battered…scarred…but loving and grateful. ..

I am holding onto the lessons I have already learned in this life..that a mothers heart can not only grow…but repair…

misshapen yet beating.