best friend

Wow. This just sucks.

I wrote to her dr just now…saying it gets harder and harder every day…I am waiting for the day it gets even just a tiny bit easier…or even just stays the same.

Its so hard on a marriage too. My husband and I are truly best friends. So we are rawest and most exposed with each other, that can be dangerous… We just naturally hold it together more around other people. But for him the anger …me the fear and both of us..the anguish explodes on each other. Frayed nerves taking hold…

The boys were gone for the fist part of the day…and sweet baby Charlotte learned some very juicy new words that Tony and I exchanged while we grappled with our pain as individuals and a couple. But because we are best friends…we got it out…on each other…then with each other.  We just constantly re-write the rules of our relationship.

Randomly after our “colorful discussion” I told him I needed to sit on the snuggle couch where Jennifer and I spent much of her last days here on hospice. I cant explain it…I haven’t been in that room since she died. But I felt a need…almost a compulsion. I collapsed there…and shuddered with pain. My best friend joined me…supported me…grieved with me.

Thats why its so important to work out problems for us…we need each other. So desperately.

The boys came home soon after. We had a great night. I even “cooked” …grilled cheese….but hey its something.  I silently cried while I did it. We remodeled our whole kitchen with her in mind. We did white counters so that when they were all teenagers and the boys went back to eating gluten we could see every crumb. Long before she learned the word cancer she learned celiacs disease…and gluten.

I had promised her when we did the remodel that it was a wholly gluten free kitchen. That her home was 100% safe place for her.

…and tonight I cooked my boys  gluten FULL grilled cheese…and tears fell.

Food..cooking… and shopping. All things that have brought me such joy and so many happy memories. Its now morphed into something that brings so much pain. And I already know it will be a big trigger for me for a long time to come.

I hope they like take out..

But we had a nice evening. Nicholas helped me pick out music for her services…and the kids went to bed.

Then I heard him. My 4yr old crying out. I went to him and touched his wet face. He told me he missed Jennifer. That he was just missing and that he still loved his sister. I’m not even sure what I said to him….but hopefully it helped. We made plans to put 5 pictures of her up in his room.

Jonathans hurt is so deep and he has no control over it.

I at least have my best friend to see me through this heart ache..

But his…

….his is dead.