calling

I’m trying to follow that little voice inside my head a lot more lately. I would have used to call it my gut instinct… but now I attribute it to more than that.

I had been finding little things that reminded me of one of Jennifer’s little friends…and her mom…We had. . well fallen apart through all of this. And it hurt me. A lot. I hear its normal. I hear it happens a lot to friendships of woman who have lost children

. But these little signs and nudges the past few days made me want to call her today. To say lets talk..

So I did. We did. And I am glad.

I can’t say for sure what is leading me… or if I am just doing a better job now, following that intuition. But so far its been really good for me. If I feel like I should clean her room…or the books… or call a “old” (I put it in quotes since all of this is still so fresh nothing is old) I have been.

No matter what is leading me or the cause…I am glad it is happening for me… to me.

I will say again to anybody reading this down the road.. knowing a friend/sister/cousin struggling through a devasting loss.. reach out. Risk being rejected. Because the time you aren’t… the time you are there when they need you will be worth it. Don’t assume they know you care…We hardly know our left from our right…we need to be reminded you are here… that you care.

And if somebody (this includes me in the future) reads this that is stuck in the nightmare of their child’s death… reach out. Tell people what you need. Do not assume that they don’t care. They may just be paralyzed with not knowing what to do/say and fear of hurting you more.

…and FYI I think you cant hurt us anymore. Our child is dead…pretty much as low as it gets.

New uncharted territory. We all need to make our own maps.. and be willing to share it with each other.

Tonight we had a fun dinner with some of my family. Its hard though. I never know whats appropriate. I want to talk about her. I think about her. So many little things remind me of her. Yet my thoughts…they wouldn’t make sense if I blurted them out.  I don’t want to make gatherings awkward or sad. I don’t want to be a conversation stopper and I don’t want to monopolize it either.

And frankly sometimes I don’t even know what I want to say. I just want to speak her name.

Or actually just yell it. Moments capture me…I fade out of conversations…and I want to scream for her. I want to just yell

JENNIFER

To get it out of my head. . that physical release.

I want to make sure she is still present. If its this hard now… what will it be like 5 yrs… 10 yrs down the road?

Time is a strange twisted thing.

Tony told me yesterday we have been together for 12 yrs. My first thought was well cool.. he still makes my heart skip a beat after all these years… then ..

. .it completely deflated me.

Because it feels like we have been together for so long. Life before dating him is a blur in a lot of ways. But to think its only been 12 yrs. It made me realize how very long 12 years feels… and in turn how excruciatingly long it will be till I see her again.

JENNIFER

That feeling.. that need for her right now feels so strong. Its hard to write anything else.

JENNIFER

JENNIFER

oh my sweet baby jennifer