comfortable

Pain.

Big pain . . real pain this morning.

Upped her morphine…I think its doubled.

Sleeping all day.

Hospice says she is comfortable. . . stable.

I hope so.

I worry she is screaming inside at me.

Something she is needing or wanting. And I am not answering her call for me.

I’m so sorry baby. I love you. More than I ever believed was possible.

Please don’t let her be scared. Let her be peaceful already.

I’m scared we are making the wrong choices. What if she doesn’t really need all these meds? What if her leg itches and she can’t tell me. . .

Hospice can’t say when…but said she isn’t showing the signs that its coming really soon. .

We do all know a big change has occurred. My mothers heart thinks it will be soon though.

A mothers heart.Thats what our girl was born with . . yet she will never be granted a chance to use it.

WHY?

Our boys came today. Jonathan hugged her and looked at her. I showed him how comfortable she looks.

He climbed on me. . and looked. Really looked. Just for a moment.

. . . hugged her and ran off.

Oh please let there be a heaven. Please please please let this not be forever.

I have never been so scared in all my life.