many

Today was hard..

at different times for different reasons. This morning I woke with the elephant on my chest… one was missing. Tony and Jonathan got me a gift to symbolize all 4 kids. We ate breakfast together.. Then I felt it coming. .. I asked him to take the boys out while Charlotte napped to get decorations for her birthday.

I went to her room… and fell apart. Completely unglued. Talking to her.. praying.. sobbing.

Then I washed my face and got ready for them to come home and go for a hike. We walked to the trails right by our house… the ones we had always talked about doing…

…later.

Today was later… one kid down. 

Jonathan and I talked about things.. and I felt so thankful for the 4 people walking with me.

We came home and it was nap time for Nicholas. For the first time since she died he asked to nap in her room. And he called her Jennifer…

We all really missed her today. I wasn’t expecting that. .. I was “prepared” for me to.. and for Tony also. Mothers day without her was also so very hard for him. But I was surprised by how much the boys were impacted also.

Then we headed to my parents house.It was a smaller group than normal which was good. And I had already gotten out so much emotion earlier.. I thought I was all good. Then something triggered it.. the thought of where we were just 3 months ago..

laying in bed. waiting for my oldest to die.

and 1 yr ago full of such joy…

laying in bed waiting for our youngest to be born..

Both my daughters..

and each others sister.

My almost one year old and I went for a walk.. and I cried and cried again.. and talked to Jennifer. About Charlotte’s birthday.. how much I know she would have loved to have been here. How sorry I am that I couldn’t find a way to make it happen.

Then home to decorate for baby Charlotte with my boys. 

She always loved this tradition.. decorating for her siblings and waking up to a decorated house on her birthday. I should have been sad about kissing baby Charlotte tonight.. her last hours as a baby .. in her big sisters jammies…

Instead its just one of the jumble of emotions I am feeling. .just another thing added to the mess of me .. I have nothing really to write..I am emotionally drained..

so emptied.

I just think one day I might want to look back and remember today..

first of many mothers days without her..

first of many many birthday eve decorating nights without her..

and just another night to cry myself to sleep.