please baby please

I have been avoiding writing tonight. I am struggling with blogging.. because right now I am just emotionally exhausted.. I know when I write I am forced to go into it.. I feel the storm brewing and so much of me wants to run.. and never look back. So I was wasting time on facebook. And I read the update I was so hopeful wasn’t coming about another local girl who was fighting cystic fibrosis.. her parents said goodbye to her tonight. Caley is forever 12 .

And somehow it made me want to write.. to be honest with my struggles.. what its like 4 months and a day out. How its still just getting harder and harder. How in the beginning I was so blissfully numb.. how now it feels like daily I am being drug further down into reality.

Tony was in a golf tournament today.. now headed to another testosterone fueled event for the night, so I am able to start writing much earlier.. Its disconcerting to write with the light outside.. I wonder if that’s bad to share publicly.. to say my husband is gone tonight. .. if its dangerous. And right now I hope it is. My bedroom is at the back of the house. I will sleep with the window open. .

Yesterday the kids and I  went to Monterey, on the drive home taking a sharp curve onto the freeway I imagined what it would be like to pull over and park the car in the dirt and then just lay in the road. Could I make it look like I didn’t mean to? Could I trick God into not knowing?

I write for me. This is my blog to release and sort out my feelings. I am honest. But I am not dumb, I know people read this and one of the ways I keep from ending my suffering is sharing. I cannot wait to die. I cannot wait to see her again.

…but I know I have to.

Yesterday .. 4 months.

She has now been gone longer than she was even sick.

I woke up on the 12th in a wicked mood. Just angry. Very short with the kids. I haven’t been like since she died. Frankly.. just normal mom irritation. Me reacting that way made the boys team up.. I know I will one day return to the mom that gets frustrated.. and I saw yesterday how in some ways that will be a good thing for my surviving kids. But I am not yet ready to be that person again… the one that little things make me react.

Making my 3rd trip back into the house after they were loaded into the car I talked to myself. Outloud “he is making you mad because he is alive. he is alive. i still have him. he is alive.” And that snapped me out of it.. that and a quick prayer.

During breakfast I lite a watermelon candle (why watermelon) that a friend gave me for birthday. I put it in front of the empty stool at the bar. When it was time to go I tried to blow it out.. it wouldn’t go out. Until I smiled about it and said” good one sissy”.

We drove to a new park.. a huge one in Monterey. Jonathan loved the climbing wall. He got to the top and wanted his picture taken. Looking at it after we talked about how close he was to the clouds. he climbed up.

….again and again…

Before we left we tried out a giant slide they have. Nicholas really enjoyed it. I tried to watch him. To appreciate his joy and laughs but was distracted by the brother and sister going down together .. I imagined her there with us.. with them. How she would have thought up ways to go down all together.. piled on top of each other.  How she would asked me to let her take Charlotte and I would have.

Driving to Monterey is about 1 hour. Yesterday I stretched it out coming home. I cried silently much of the way there. And on the way home all 3 of my littlest slept.. so I didn’t have to stifle my tears in the same way.. I took my time. 1 hour 45 minutes to get home.  I drive comfortably through tears now. With Tony back at work full time its often my only time to release during the day.

I called my mom today so I could go to cross fit (gym day care was closed), I thought I needed it.. I thought since I cried yesterday I was in the right space. Thought I had pushed through the 4 month anniversary…It was a awful workout for me. I just had nothing to give physically.. too depleted…while simultaneously too full.

I was so frustrated that my body wouldn’t do what I was telling it to do. That has been the unintended and biggest benefit of cross fit.. always pushing my body to a point of failure .. having to constantly hit a wall.. and have room to improve. Getting to a max weight means you keep adding weight until you cannot move it. Such a physical representation of childhood cancer..always getting to weight I can’t beat … a disease I couldn’t conquer .

But today it was too much . I ended up walking out .. I was balling so hard by the time I reached my car I was disorientated. I opened the back door and couldn’t figure out how to close it. I wanted to collapse. I think maybe I started to.. . I got in the front and turned on the car and realized that my grief was too physical to drive… I climbed into the back seat and screamed and sobbed into a sweatshirt. .. Once that cloud passed I crawled into the front seat and drove home to my kids .

This is the worst pain I have ever experienced. It is so destructive. It is so consuming. It is unrelenting.

Somedays I think I am one day closer to being with her again..

today.

.. today all I can think is in terms of breath.

One breath closer to to my last .. broken heart still beating. ..

i need you Jennifer. even in my dreams. please baby please.

I can’t believe how dependent on my 6yr old I am. How I beg her for help and for advice. It’s not natural.

are you trying to send me signs? is it really you? please baby please.

I’ve never not trusted myself so much before. Never had such a lack of faith in my own perception of reality.

i’m trying baby girl. i really am. but i wish i didn’t have to.

I feel so weak. I feel so destroyed. so beaten.

i hope it smells like watermelon baby. i hope everything i told you is true.. i remember what i said. i still mean it buggers.

i miss you Jennifer. with all of me. please baby please….

please.