will she

5 months. 5 months. 5 months.

..no .. please ..

Once the clock strikes midnight I can no longer say 4 months.. it becomes a whole month more..

Today was a good day. We walked to the library , first time we have been there since last summer…I planned to go once she was in school.. but never got around to it. We packed a picnic and ate behind the building. . .  Jonathan remembered from 2 Halloweens ago.. when he had just turned 3 that we went trick or treating there in a nearby building with her preschool class. I try to placate myself with the thought that they won’t remember this time.. but then he pulls something like that.. A strong memory from when he was so much younger.. and I worry.

I try to do things she would have liked these days. These days I am suffering inside without her.. I try to do things she would have liked to have done. .. like a surprise picnic behind the library.

My girl loved creative eating.. eating outside with her brothers. . or in the room she used to share with Jonathan.. that now my boys sleep together in, using her dress up chest as their table..even cereal in a giant cardboard box…This girl of mine loved to find new ways to do the mundane.. to make life just a little bit fancier.

 

I was a good mom today. Lots of moments of pause before reacting.. because its often just that moment that gives me the space to deal with things properly. My heart gave her a silent thank you this afternoon .. for the gift of pause.. of taking a moment. ..

We watched some shows together and I tried to do all of my “work”. Then suddenly I started to break apart. I stood in the kitchen and felt like the room was spinning around me. I considered texting a friend to say come get them.. I am on the brink and I need to fall over the edge.. come get my kids. ..

Tony’s annual work bocce ball party was tonight .. so I couldn’t. He called. I was supposed to  be ready and have the kids ready. He heard it in my voice though.. he knew.. and he took a moment before reacting.. and gave me grace.

I sobbed  in the shower .. I cried on the way there. . I choked on my pain when we pulled into the parking lot. 1 year ago we were there.. she was there.  She had so much fun running around. Daddy’s little girl.

The boys immediately went up to the bar and Jonathan sat in the same stool his big sister did not so long ago.. but somehow a whole lifetime ago..

Then 6 months ago we had her celebratory bowling party in the same building. I did my very best to avoid the end of the building that had the door that lead to the arcade .. Part of me wanted to walk over there .. and just remember.  Not the right time though. At times I wanted to crawl out of my own skin.

I watched my boys. Proud beyond belief of the way they behaved tonight. Some of what I have wanted from them.. that I thought was lost when we lost her is coming back.. And tonight part of me hated it.

Part of me doesn’t want them to be growing without her.

They make me proud .. these incredible creatures we are lucky enough to still be raising. If I didn’t know better I would look at us and think we were doing a really good job.. but I can’t help but wonder..

If we are then why was one taken from us?

Walking home from the library, pushing my 3 still living in the stroller,  my thoughts wandered to meeting her again.

Will she be 6 still?

Will she have grown and aged in my absence?

Will she greet me and say “Mama its ME”

I thought about popular she will already be.. how many people she will already know. How she will be so much smarter than me.. how I know she already is.

I love her so much. how is she really gone.. never to touch again. ..

I dropped Tony off at his friends for poker and the boys at my parents for a sleep over treat .. a cousin will be there tomorrow morning. I know I stuffed it tonight.. and I need the space to come undone. Then Charlotte and I drove and listened to music.

Before we left our house this evening I stopped in her room.. just to tell her I love her and we will be home soon. I so often feel like I am leaving her behind when we go places.. do things without her.

..because she should still be here..

and I am just simply sad.

5 months ago.. that noise.. the rattle in her breathing… everybody had already come to say there goodbyes. Just me and my first born.

In my arms. I thought she was waiting for me to sleep. So I did. She deserved me to give her what she needed to let go. I slept for about 45 minutes. I awoke to that noise…she was still here.

She allowed me to bear witness to her leaving this world as I did when she came into this world.

I just want to curl into a ball and lay on her grave..

but she isn’t buried yet.