Some girls are just born with glitter in their veins

worth it


I don’t often put music on when I write but tonight I did… this is playing...

now officially mothers day. I wanted to avoid this moment.

now I want to avoid sleep.

I don’t want to wake up without her.

When I pulled out the next size up of girl clothes there was one pair of jammies. .one that was really so Jennifer. I haven’t put Charlotte in them. But tonight after her bath

…her bath that didnt wash away the glitter from last night that transferred from me to her…

I was drawn to them. I wanted to have Charlotte wearing them in the morning.. waking me .. my 2 girls together.. the only way I can have them both.

ever ever again

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I grabbed them.. pulled them into my face and breathed them in.. instinctively hoping for the scent of her. Something I have lost.. The smell of my child. I never knew how special that was. What a gift their own personal scents are.

she said heaven smells like heaven smells like her.

I long for it … right now I long for the relief that I feel my death is sure to bring.

3 sleeping.. 3 living still…  how can I be celebrated by them tomorrow…so undeserving . i should be swimming in appreciation for what i have.

now this is playing

her death had a smell. A distinct smell… It has destroyed me a few times since February 12th. I hate it.. but when I smell it I breath in deeply…

Where are my good memories? Why am I so haunted?

I don’t often miss her as a baby.. but tonight I do. I miss the promise that the earliest years held.. I don’t often cry looking at earlier pictures of her. tonight I am.





And I am so scared of losing another one of them.

I loved her with every ounce of my being..

i still do.

she made me a mommy. It’s all I ever wanted to be when I grew up and she made it happen. We fought so hard.

she was so worth it.

I always said I would have relived every miscarriage again for her.

she was so worth it.

I guess now all I can say is I would relive losing her again..

she was so worth it.